Ze Island of Sven

So rude

2012-01-12T10:55:00.002-05:00

Why must the official abbreviation in journalism for "third" be 3d, and not 3rd? At first glance, this news headline appeared to be sad but so futuristic at the same time. A three-dimensional teen?! Sweet! Nope. Just sad.

Ree-hee-hee-hee-alllllllllllyyyyy

2012-01-11T09:38:00.003-05:00

Ace Ventura fan?

Slam!

2011-12-29T14:53:00.001-05:00

If you see something in the grocery store called Jalapeño Crab Slammers, you must buy them and devour them. It's a new world law, says me. These are not for the faint of heart.

Notes from Texas

2011-12-21T13:48:00.003-05:00

Hey, Sven readers. It's been awhile. I could get into the reasons why I haven't been posting lately, but that would take months to do and it would also result in me turning into a compulsive liar. So let's just put the past behind us and focus on the present and future. And right now, the present includes a short visit to the state of Texas.

I'm going to jot down a few notes about my visit here in San Antonio - like right now! I'm coming to you LIVE from San Antonio! Crazy, I know.

First and foremost, you MUST be aware of a little back story. That can be done by simply visiting a Facebook post I made back in August which I've conveniently linked here for you.

Take a minute to read the post and the comments below it. Once you do that, you'll realize why my one and only mission while here in Texas is to FIND DEAD CATTLE.

I will be sure to update all of you on my search for cow carcasses and other miscellaneous rotting meat, but for now, here's a brief summary of the trip.

DAY 1:

I flew from Philadelphia to San Antonio with a quick changeover in Minneapolis. No crazy stories to report which I guess is a good thing, concerning me being thousands of feet in the air with a bunch of odd-looking and potentially dangerously strangers.

Actually, I sat next to a nice guy named Alfonso on the way from Minneapolis to San Antonio. Alfonso has 13 kids ranging in age from 11-33. He had his first kid when he was 12 years old. 12 years old. Not a typo. 12 years old. He's so close in age to his first kid that he would be able to say, "What up, bro?" and it wouldn't be weird. Well done, Alfonso. Fortunately the 13 kids weren't on the flight too.

Alfonso and I parted ways at the terminal in the San Antonio airport. Soon after, Alycia picked me up and we headed to Chacho's. Chacho's is... what's the word I'm looking for... AMAZING. Open 24 hours a day, because if it wasn't, there could very well be a riot. Not only do they have incredible tacos and Jack & Coke margaritas, but they also have awesome but incredibly cheesy but awesome live music. I felt like I was in an episode of "Eastbound & Down", like when Kenny Powers is grooving to an Español version of Bob Seger's "Night Moves." And Hispanic families come out in full force for some dancing and eats. As Cassidy pointed out, when a Hispanic family goes out to eat, it's just Mom, Dad and a brother or sister or two. It's EVERYONE. At one point on the dance floor, there was a girl no older than 10, a couple Grandmas wearing leopard print, some middle-aged women - doesn't matter where you fall in the family tree - you better get your ass up and dance.

After devouring a puffy beef taco, a crispy grilled chicken taco, some loaded nachos, a Shiner Bock and a couple Jack & Coke margaritas, I realized the dance floor was calling my name. I preyed on Grandma #1 who was sporting the leopard print as previously mentioned. After twirling around Grandma for a song, a 45ish-year-old lady named Rebecca dragged me away from Grandma as she was getting jealous I wasn't letting her experience my insanely good white-boy dance moves. Rebecca was a very nice lady and also a very repetitive person when drunk. She informed me no less than five times about how she was recently divorced, and also mentioned about eight times that she has to split her Cowboys season tickets with her ex. I let her know that I was recently divorced too (this is false, FYI). Rebecca asks why - I replied with "She was a real bitch." I think Rebecca fell in love at this point, but Alycia, Cassidy and I deciced to get going to another bar. But not before Rebecca fumbled for her phone in her purse for at least a minute and a half. Her friend eventually had to take over and find the phone and take my number down at Rebecca's request. I'm still waiting for her to confess her love to me via text.

Onto the next bar - Vegas Bar. Where apparently it's common for people to casually make out next to the pool table and on couches while others nearby have conversations and enjoy $2 Heinekens. $2 HEINEKENS! Seriously! After a few of those, we called it a night and headed back home.

DAY 2:

Holy hell, what did I eat last night? My stomach feels like a there's a Mexican midget running laps inside my intestines. I eventually got out of bed and ran some work errands with Alycia then we headed to Bill Miller's BBQ for lunch. I've been in Texas for 18 hours and I've already consumed 4,543,754,258,053,785 calories. And that's why I'm heading to the gym in a few minutes while Alycia and Cassidy slave away at the office. Headed to the Spurs preseason game tonight - gotta get in some kind of shape in case Coach Popovic calls me in off the bench.

Day 2, continued.

Before we headed to the Spurs preseason game, Alycia and I stopped for dinner - Mexican of course. Tack on another few million calories to the count.

After dinner, we arrive at AT&T Center to see the Spurs win in a thriller, 97-95 over the Rockets. I asked numerous Spurs employees where "Dave" is - all responded with "Who?" I respond with, "The Admiral." I was unable to meet David Robinson like I had planned on doing but life goes on.

Day 2 ends with a relaxing night of watching Moonshiners on Discovery Channel. If you don't watch that show, start watching.

DAY 3:

Good to hear the crying cat outside my window is still weeping like he/she did all last night. Dude, the Spurs won. Shut the hell up.

Day 3 to be continued...

We walked out of the game and it was pouring rain - this is when Alycia informs me "it never rains here." Oh yeah? There's a frickin' monsoon out here, and it started before we went into the game. This same b.s. happened when I visited San Diego last December, where apparently it's always sunny and beautiful. WRONG.

Random thoughts

2011-09-06T00:13:00.002-04:00

I friended Jesus on Facebook. He sent a message back - "I don't think so, God damn it."

Search result shenanigans

2011-05-24T11:42:00.004-04:00

I searched "rock island cash" to listen to "Rock Island Line" by Johnny Cash. Grooveshark had other things in mind apparently.

>&amp;amp;amp;amp;lt;span style="color: red;"&amp;amp;amp;amp;gt;http://islandofsven.blogspot.com/2011/05/search-result-shenanigans.html&amp;amp;amp;amp;lt;/span&amp;amp;amp;amp;gt;&amp;amp;amp;amp;lt;/b&amp;amp;amp;amp;gt;.html&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;send=true&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;layout=standard&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;width=450&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;show_faces=true&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;action=like&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;colorscheme=light&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;font&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;height=80" style="border: medium none; overflow: hidden; width: 450px; height: 80px;" allowtransparency="true" frameborder="0" scrolling="no"&amp;amp;amp;amp;gt;

Thunder!

2011-05-19T11:16:00.005-04:00

I ordered a couple Flyers shirts online last weekend - I thought I'd put down a good name to give the shirt company and the mailman/woman a good laugh. I had forgotten I did this until I saw the package when I got home from work yesterday.

Hangin' with Foo

2011-05-13T14:40:00.004-04:00

Before last night, the weirdest dream I've ever had involving music stars was when Bono and John Cougar Mellencamp teamed up to burn my house down. Last night's dream might've topped it.

Not sure how it started other than I was hanging out with the Foo Fighters at my mom's house in Medford, NJ. Dave, Chris, Nate, Taylor and Pat. The whole band was out in full force, just shootin' the sh*t and having a good time. Out of nowhere, the band's instruments appeared and they started rockin' out in the living room. But then my dad complained about the noise. Which makes no sense. My parents are divorced, and in turn, my dad no longer lives at my mom's. So what the hell was he doing there and who does he think he is telling the Foo Fighters to keep it down?

So we all went into the basement and continued to rock out without worry of bothering my dad. Next thing I know, we're all on the boardwalk in Ocean City, NJ. No instruments. Just kind of hanging out and having a good time. Then Dave Grohl asks me if I can bum a cigarette off of someone for him. I say sure, but before I get off the bench I was on, he gets up himself and bums a cigarette off of someone. As Dave walks back to his seat, the guy who gave Dave the cigarette turns to his friends and says, "Was that Dave Grohl?"

Within seconds, a huge crowd builds around the band and me on the boardwalk. My friends Matt and Bob spot me and ask me how I got to hang out with the Foo Fighters. Suddenly, the band's instruments appear out of nowhere and it goes from day to night in seconds, with lights shining on the band. The crowd starts chanting and the band begins to play. Song of choice? ......... Green Day's "When I Come Around". Probably the strangest part of the dream. Foo Fighters choosing to play Green Day. Very odd but the crowd loved it and went wild.

Meanwhile, I forgot that I had left my brand new smartphone over by a table to charge and now realized it was probably stolen. After the Foos put on a hell of a performance and the crowd was gone, I ran back over to the table and my phone miraculously was still there. Dave saw how happy I was that I hadn't lost my phone and he high-fived me.

Then, the band and me continued to hang out for awhile, no mention of the craziness that just occurred.

Thank you, Foo Fighters, for not burning my house down like Bono and John Cougar Mellencamp did.

The heat rises in Words With Friends, Part II

2011-05-11T14:16:00.005-04:00

My opponent's reaction after I made a big play:

"I'm really just at a loss of words right now. I want to throw my phone through the tv in my basement."

Beware the poke

2011-05-11T09:24:00.006-04:00

A message I received on Facebook. And by the way, she is referring to my first time doing stand-up comedy... Again, she is referring to my first time doing stand-up comedy...

"Holy shit. I'm using my Droid phone on my couch, was going to launch u a quick message to give you props for last night, and my giant man-thumb apparently poked you instead. How mortifying...good Lord. Ok-so again, great job. But the poke was accidental..."

The heat rises in Words With Friends

2011-05-05T22:57:00.004-04:00

I battle daily in Words With Friends (Scrabble on a smartphone for those who don't know). With one certain opponent, we bet a Chick-fil-A meal on every single match. Some times tempers may flare...

Here's a conversation discussing who's up on the game.

Opponent: u

Opponent: U!!!

LETS GOOO

Me: u

u took forever on your last one

u f*ckin idiot

i was in the kitchen making food

and i got back after yeaaars of makin shit

and u had just gone

shut the f*ck up and play

Opponent: dont ever raiseur voice at me like that again

i will smack u

right across the face with one of my grilled chicken sandwiches

topped with mayo

Draftin'

2011-05-04T10:44:00.004-04:00

The Philadelphia Eagles selected a kicker in the fourth round of this past weekend's NFL draft. When my friend heard this news yesterday, he said... "Well, he better be nasty."

Kicker Alex Henery - kicks stuff, weighs 11 pounds with pads on and resembles Napoleon Dynamite.

The guy's a kicker. How nasty can he be? I can see "nasty" being a potential description of a running back or wide receiver. Maybe they can juke, catch the ball behind the back, do some hypnotizing spin-o-rama moves on the field. But a kicker? Well, if he can kick the ball through the uprights... I guess that's as nasty as you can get as a kicker.

Regardless, the Eagles got the most accuracte kicker in NCAA history. He converted 63 of 65 field-goal kicks from inside 50 yards over four seasons. The 23-year-old also handled the punting for the Nebraska Cornhuskers in his last two years, averaging 41.3 yards a boot.

Planning for Germany

2011-04-27T10:24:00.004-04:00

So I was in Germany last week. I put together a little to-do list of things I had to get done before I left the United States. Ignore the chicken scratch - that's not the point here. But if you're wondering, that first item says "Marcus", as in contact one of my freelance clients. Second is "Giants", as in buy a New York Giants gift (and maybe spit on it) for my boss's baby who is on the way. Third is "dentist", as in... dentist.

But the fourth one is the intriguing one - "German", as in... learn to speak German. This list was written a full two days in advance of the trip. Two days. Apparently I think learning a language is a piece of cake. Well, I didn't get around to learning German. So yes, while over there, I walked around with a confused look on my face the entire time.

Now that I'm looking at the list more intensely, I have to comment on the chicken scratch. What the hell happened to my handwriting? It was flawless back in grade school. Sort of. "Marcus" is barely legible. The A is not even close to being closed. Looks like I tried to write the C before the R at first. Then I covered up the C with the R, but then didn't put the C in its proper place, and just jumped right ahead to the U and S. Or... I attempted to make the first half of the U, the C.

Back to the drawing board.

The Best of Bill Clement

2011-04-25T16:29:00.004-04:00

Everything that Flyers color analyst Bill Clement says is usually pure gold. Here's the latest, from game 4 of the Flyers-Sabres first-round playoff series.

"Giroux needed a telescopic leg on that one."

In reference to forward Claude Giroux trying to stay onside for a breakaway chance. This was followed by small banter about how this was the first telescopic leg reference of the playoffs.

The Great Bill Clement

The Best of Bill Clement

2011-04-25T16:22:00.003-04:00

Everything that Flyers color analyst Bill Clement says is usually pure gold. Here's the latest, from Game 4 of the Flyers-Sabres first round playoff series.

"Once the toothpaste is out of the tube, it's hard to get it back in."

In reference to an iffy penalty call against the Flyers, and how the game would go if the refs continued to make iffy calls.

The Great Bill Clement

A lesson on leaving poor voicemails

2011-04-12T10:36:00.005-04:00

This is pretty standard for a voicemail from my dad:

"Hey, Steve. It's your dad. It's 10:30 a.m. on Tuesday the 12th. I'm on my cell now, but sometimes I lose service in this area, so call my office phone between 11:30 and 12:30. In case you don't have the office number, it's 453-535-2257. Call there between 11:30 and 12:30. Don't call my cell because sometimes the call gets dropped cuz of the bad service. So call the office phone. Between 11:30 and 12:30. If you can't call then, call me on my cell after 12:30. I should be able to answer up until 1:00 but then I have a meeting. So call the office from 11:30 to 12:30, or my cell between 12:30 and 1."

Allow me to break this down.

"Hey, Steve. It's your dad."
Not "It's Dad," but "It's your Dad." Typically when someone says to me "It's Dad," I assume it's my dad. Not Joe's dad. Not Becky's dad. Not Wayne Gretzky's dad. I'm pretty certain the dad he is referring to is the one who raised me. Thanks for clarifying though.

"In case you don't have the office number, it's 453-535-2257."
He's been in the same office for about 15 years and has had the same office number the whole time (that's not really the phone number by the way - in case you felt the need to call my dad. Feel free to call it though - maybe it's a sweet, old lady in Nebraska or an adoption agency in Quebec.) Anyway, I own a cell phone in which I can easily program numbers in. I don't think he's aware of this.

"Call there between 11:30 and 12:30. Don't call my cell because sometimes the call gets dropped cuz of the bad service. So call the office phone. Between 11:30 and 12:30. If you can't call then, call me on my cell after 12:30. I should be able to answer up until 1:00 but then I have a meeting. So call the office from 11:30 to 12:30, or my cell between 12:30 and 1."
So what time does he want me to call where? I'm not sure five mentions of the time will get the point across.

This is why text messages are superior to voicemails. Even better, don't text or leave a voicemail. When I see a missed call from my dad or even Wayne Gretzky's dad, I'll call back.

The Best of Bill Clement

2011-04-06T09:17:00.003-04:00

Everything that Flyers color analyst Bill Clement says is usually pure gold. Here's the latest, from last night's broadcast of the Flyers' pathetic 5-2 loss to the Ottawa Senators.

"He's a trenchman. He's gotta play up front, looking for rebounds, getting his nose dirty if not broken."

In reference to Scott Hartnell's style of play.

The Great Bill Clement

Chinese fortune

2011-04-04T15:42:00.003-04:00

I love food more than I can put into words. And Chinese is amazing of course. What's not amazing though, is getting a blank fortune. I've gotten lame/vague fortunes here and there, like "Success is near," "Treat others as you would like others blah blah blah blah" and such. But a BLANK fortune? I've never turned paranoid so quickly. The whole drive home I was checking my side-view mirrors, rear-view mirrow, back seat and glove compartment for ninjas. Not cool. I'll probably never retrieve my golf clubs from my trunk again either for fear of a throwing star striking me in the neck.

Difficult people

2011-04-04T15:41:00.004-04:00

I got an email at work about a webinar entitled "Dealing with Difficult People". I think I'm gonna have to join in - how can this not be hilarious?

I added a few bulletpoints in red that I think should be added to the schedule of topics:

Click the image to enlarge.

Sounds like a thrilling job

2011-03-30T14:01:00.005-04:00

My friend's email signature:

Henry Schneiderburg (name changed for privacy purposes)
Functional Senior Analyst
Total Benefits Outsourcing (TBO)
Xerox Corporation

----

Wow. With a job title like that, how could you not be excited to go to work every day? Now I'm even more proud to be a professional wolverine hunter for a living.

The Best of Bill Clement

2011-03-30T09:18:00.004-04:00

Everything that Flyers color analyst Bill Clement says is usually pure gold. Here's the latest, from last night's broadcast of the Flyers' 5-2 victory over the Pittsburgh Penguins.

"Nothin' fancy about this one. This is meat and potatoes, baby."

In reference to Flyers forward Scott Hartnell's goal.

------

"Leino has played a man's game in this one."

In reference to Flyers forward Ville Leino's strong performance, after scoring his first of two goals in the game.

The Great Bill Clement

AbMasterFlexenstein Ultra 5000

2011-03-28T09:22:00.005-04:00

Alright. I've decided that fitness product companies think anything can be made into hardcore workout equipment. As long as have you have a dude with his shirt off and wearing cargo shorts while working out, just put any piece of equipment in his hands and they'll give you a seven-hour infomercial convincing you that you'll get ripped.

"The Rack". Seriously, I think this guy found some metal in a dumpster.

I'm beginning to think it's the cargo shorts that work your core - not whatever equipment the infomercial is promoting. Mop, trash can, broken entertainment center, maybe a car door - doesn't matter what you work out with and whatever retarded-looking maneuvers you can come up with with said equipment. Just put on some cargo shorts, take off your shirt, and BOOM... abs.

SyFy: Be afraid

2011-03-22T09:22:00.008-04:00

After channel surfing for a few hours this past Sunday, I've decided that the SyFy channel runs a monopoly on ridiculously awful movies. As you'll see, they love to combine two badass animals into one. Here's just a sample of some of their movie titles:

One of the crucial scenes from MEGASHARK vs. GIANT OCTOPUS!!!

Dinocroc vs. Supergator
DinoShark
Ice Spiders
Bone Eater
Dog Soldiers
MegaShark vs. Giant Octopus
Fire Serpent
Anacondas: Trail of Blood
Anonymous Rex
Attack of the Sabretooth
Ice Twister
Ice Quake
Mongolian Death Worm
Mega Piranha
Man with the Screaming Brain
Mansquito
Mega Python vs. Gatoroid
Minotaur
Monsterwolf
Mothman
NYC: Tornado Terror
Pumpkinhead: Blood Feud
Rock Monster
Rise of the Gargoyles
Sharktopus
Swamp Devil
The Bone Snatcher
Disaster Zone: Volcano in New York

Angry thoughts in an online forum

2011-03-22T09:18:00.002-04:00

"My dry cleaners starches all my polyester tropical short-sleeves, and doesn't for my dress shirts. I'm going to have to kill them now"- some dude

Lunar-gating

2011-03-18T10:05:00.003-04:00

If you enjoy the moon at a dangerously close distance, then get your dancing shoes on this weekend.

The Best of Bill Clement

2011-03-18T09:39:00.004-04:00

Everything that Flyers color analyst Bill Clement says is usually pure gold. Here's the latest.

"The wolves are officially at the door."

In reference to teams fighting for a playoff spot, making the home stretch of the season a difficult task for the Flyers.

Song of the day

2011-03-17T11:45:00.002-04:00

(I'm a) Road Runner
Junior Walker & The All-Stars

My new gym routine?

2011-03-08T14:30:00.006-05:00

For those of you familiar with the crackhead who's chasing me in Philly, you'll understand why I might start taking part in crackhead-throwing competitions. This actually took place. Click the link or image below for proof.

Song of the day

2011-03-08T14:12:00.002-05:00

"You Don't Know (Hott 22 remix)"
StoneBridge
Music Takes Me

Fishy in L.A.

2011-03-08T14:08:00.002-05:00

Is this good or bad for the pizza business? Either way, my stance on anchovies remains the same. They are horrendous creatures.

----

LOS ANGELES (Reuters) - Millions of anchovies washed up dead early on Tuesday in the harbor area of Redondo Beach, California, just south of Los Angeles, puzzling authorities and triggering a cleanup effort.

Local television news footage showed the mass of dead fish, said by a police spokesman to be about a foot deep on the surface, choking the waters in and around dozens of private boat slips in the King Harbor Marina.

"We're having millions of anchovies die off in our harbor," Redondo Beach police Sergeant Phil Keenan told Reuters in a telephone interview. "At this point it's an unknown reason."

He said one possible explanation was that too many of the fish had congregated into a relatively small area, exhausting the water's oxygen supply, "but that's still to be determined."

Anchovies are prey for bigger fish and marine mammals, so large numbers may have swarmed into the harbor from deeper waters seeking shelter, he said.

"The issue now is cleanup because we have tons and tons of dead fish rotting and purifying, which obviously creates hazardous material," Keenan said. "We're in the process of figuring out what were going to do."

Trudy Padilla, the marina's tenant services coordinator, said the dead fish suddenly began showing up overnight, and that one end of the marina has been blocked off as cleanup operations get organized.

She said the smell of decay has not become so strong yet, "but it's going to if they don't clean up the fish."

King Harbor Marina provides 850 boat slips to private vessels.

Song of the day

2011-03-07T10:03:00.002-05:00

"Seeing Things"
The Black Crowes
Shake Your Money Maker

Products that make me scratch my head

2011-03-07T09:18:00.005-05:00

If I was a bettin' man, which I am, I'd bet under .5 people who have ever thought, "Hmmmm, I'm a little parched. Nothing would be better right now than a non-alcoholic Busch brew."

This was next to the apples at the grocery store. Perfect combo.

Song of the day

2011-03-04T13:47:00.003-05:00

"You Don't Love Me/Soul Serenade"
The Allman Brothers Band
Live at Fillmore East

Education storm

2011-03-04T12:03:00.002-05:00

Yanni's real name is Yiannis Hrysomallis (pronounced Chrysomallis). You're welcome.

Random thoughts

2011-03-03T11:55:00.004-05:00

I feel like a moron sitting in the passenger seat of my own car. No balance. No sense of where I am. No sense of anything.

"Where's the cupholder? Where's my armrest? Where's my arm?!"

Song of the day

2011-03-03T11:53:00.002-05:00

In anticipation of the new album coming out in April.

"Rope"
Foo Fighters
Wasting Light

Song of the day

2011-03-02T09:41:00.004-05:00

"Time to Move On"
Tom Petty
Wildflowers

Random thoughts

2011-03-01T16:50:00.002-05:00

I'm extremely slow on the basketball court. So I bought some bright orange sneakers. Problem solved. Optical illusion.

Bucket list

2011-02-28T12:07:00.002-05:00

New addition to the bucket list: one day, I want to carry a load of laundry from the dryer to my bedroom using just my arms, no basket, WITHOUT dropping a single sock, shirt or pair of boxers during the commute. I plan on checking this one off this spring, to complement the checking off of skydiving.

Just Sheening around

2011-02-25T15:04:00.004-05:00

CBS, Warner pull plug on season of Sheen's sitcom

LOS ANGELES - "Two and a Half Men" star Charlie Sheen has skirted disaster as a wayward, middle-aged party boy who regularly tested the patience of the TV network and studio trying to protect their valuable sitcom property.

It was a violence-tinged and anti-Semitic radio rant that helped push him over the edge and, finally, forced CBS and Warner Bros. Television to take action.

In a one-sentence joint statement Thursday, the companies said they were ending production on television's No. 1 sitcom for the season, a decision based on the "totality of Charlie Sheen's statements, conduct and condition.

Lorre bore the brunt of Sheen's attacks during the radio interview and in a subsequent "open letter" sent to TMZ after the CBS-Warner decision and posted on the entertainment website.

In the letter, the actor called Lorre a "contaminated little maggot" and wished the producer "nothing but pain."

"Clearly I have defeated this earthworm with my words; imagine what I would have done with my fire-breathing fists," the 45-year-old Sheen wrote.

…he also made repeated, unclear references to mayhem. At one point, Sheen called himself the new sheriff in town who has an "army of assassins."

"If you love with violence and you hate with violence, there's nothing that can be questioned," he said.

“Contaminated little maggot”!

“Fire-breathing fists”!!

“Army of assassins”!!!

This is a serious rant by Charlie! It rivals those of Christian Bale and Mel Gibson. I can’t get enough of these rants. But, damn it, Charlie. Can you simmer your shenanigans? I love Two and a Half Men unconditionally, and I’m concerned your antics are going to result in the cancellation of the show, not just the season. Slow your damn role. Party at will but get it under control. Get a grip before one of my favorite shows of all time is cut.

Before I go, I’d just like to say how awesome it would be to have fire-breathing fists. I’d love to have a burglar break into my house, confront the burglar, and just say, “Yo, check these out. Fists. They breathe fire. What, you’re not gonna stay?”

I don’t know if I could get into a bar though.

Do the spam

2011-02-25T12:28:00.004-05:00

I got an email with this subject line:

"Be part of the Donald Trump s new business adventure."

I'd be a fool to pass up on this wonderful spam opportunity.

Photography lessons

2011-02-25T11:45:00.001-05:00

Friday calls for important information to be passed along such as how to take great photos of food. Enjoy.

Thanks for calling AOL, how may I wreck your life?

2011-02-24T11:56:00.005-05:00

If there's a list of the top 3 people responsible for giving customer service reps. a bad reputation, this guy is on it. Apparently canceling your AOL account is as difficult as taking off wet jeans.

I'm not surprised

2011-02-24T11:28:00.003-05:00

When I discovered the amazing new ketchup packets at Chick-fil-A last week, I knew there was a revolution on our hands.

Tomorrow at Chick-fil-A is your chance to experience it for the right price. And no, I'm not a Chick-fil-A spokesperson but I might as well be. This is from a Chick-fil-A Facebook post.

Like our waffle fries? Then, you’re REALLY going to love Friday, March 4.

An innovation in ketchup calls for a celebration. Between 2 and 4 pm local time, ketchup lovers who ask for Heinz Dip & Squeeze and the Free FryDay promotion at all Chick-fil-A restaurants will receive a FREE medium order of Chick-fil-A Waffle Potato Fries®, limit one per customer.

Now the question remains, to dip or to squeeze? Pick a side and change the way you eat ketchup on-the-go.

RSVP to this Facebook event is not required for participation in Free FryDay at Chick-fil-A.

The best movie-scene breakdown of all time

2011-02-23T19:52:00.005-05:00

If you're a normal human being, The Sandlot ranks in the top 3 sports movies, or just movies in general for that matter, when you were a kid. This guy breaks down the scene when the Sandlot gang takes on the rival a-holes. Simply put, it is phenomenal. Well worth a couple minutes of your day. Enjoy.

Zherdev is a goner

2011-02-23T13:09:00.005-05:00

According to reports and a direct text message sent to me from Wells Fargo Center manager of janitorial operations Eric Jefferson, Flyers forward Nikolay Zherdev has been placed on waivers. It sucks to see a guy with so much talent turn into a wasted opportunity. This is what happens when you don't hustle in practice, kids! There's no place in the NHL for players without a work ethic and this move proves that.

This is also an unfortunate circumstance because it's rare to have a player with a last name beginning with the letter Z. Zherdev was one of only 27 players with such a zesty last name. Plus, 93 is an awesome number - in fact, I wear this number on my team, Steel Wheels. This either validates or invalidates the awesomeness of 93. Because of Zherdev's lack of hustle, the Flyers are left with no one with a number in the 90s. This makes me unhappy.

Baby's got a secret

2011-02-23T12:58:00.004-05:00

On the way to work this morning, I saw a bumper sticker on the car in front of me. It said:

"Christian Cavalry School - Bucks County's best-kept secret!"

This is not the best way to go about keeping it a secret.

The Best of Bill Clement

2011-02-22T22:51:00.005-05:00

Everything that Flyers color analyst Bill Clement says is usually pure gold. Here's the latest, from tonight's game versus the Phoenix Coyotes.

"The Claude Giroux School of Stick Handling is still accepting applications."

In reference to the Flyers forward having some of the nastiest hands in hockey - no, not grimy.

The Great Bill Clement

Consumer watch

2011-02-22T20:58:00.003-05:00

I was in Acme shopping for some new hair gel, hoping to find something that can handle my cowlick. For some reason, hair gel and yogurt were right next to each other in the store. I compared price tags, and yogurt was the obvious choice. My hair is currently enjoying some strawberry-banana Dannon for the cool price of $0.99 as compared to Crew molding creme priced at $16.99.

Anderson, you devil

2011-02-21T21:09:00.004-05:00

So Lady Gaga's been on the scene in full force for, what, like three years now? I'm gonna be honest. I never gave her a fair shot. All of her hits were highly irritating to me. But last week before the Grammys, I was watching 60 Minutes and Anderson Cooper had an interview with her. I was quite intrigued by Stefani Joanne Angelina Germanotta.

You know you've made it when you can shorten your name from 13 syllables to four.

Anderson Cooper's perfect hair is pretty damn powerful. It brought out the best in Lady Gaga - so much so that she showed up in just her underwear for part of her interview with Anderson. How is it that literally less than two weeks ago, "Poker Face", "Bad Romance" and all the others annoyed the hell out of me, but now I find myself tapping my foot, bopping my head and turning my steering wheel into a massive drum kit?

Touché, Anderson.

True Life: I'm being chased by a crackhead

2011-02-21T11:13:00.009-05:00

"saw on the news that a man beat an elderly couple w/ a hammer... hope it wasn't you killing the crackhead."

Yep, this is a text I received this morning. And no, I didn't beat an elderly couple. But with recent developments in my life, it is not unrealistic for someone to think that this might've been me. Don't know the story? Let me shed some light for you.

So about a month ago, after a mean blizzard hit Philly, I was clearing snow around my car's tires so I could get to work the next morning if need be. I was basically kicking snow with my feet because I don't have a shovel in the city. Someone saw me doing this and offered me a shovel. So, of course, I said, "Thanks, I really appreciate it."

The woman, about 50 years old, went to her house to get the shovel, but instead came back with her husband or friend who had the shovel. I figured this guy, probably about 60, was going to hand it over to me but he started to shovel himself.

To the Home Alone fans: the shoveler resembles Old Man Marley, but no beard and much, much, much, much tanner.

I said something along the lines of, "Thanks, that's very nice of you but I can do this."

But he insisted on shoveling for me. Oh, but check this out. Mid-frickin'-shovel, he turned to me and said, "I charge $15."

Ohhhhhh this is all making sense now. That's right, friends. The lady pimped out a shoveler to me! .... The lady. Pimped out. A shoveler to me. Bullshit.

I immediately told him to stop shoveling because I'm not paying him. He continued to shovel. Again, I told him to stop. He didn't. I had to leave to catch a cab to go somewhere this night. One final time, I told the guy to stop and he said, "You can pay me tomorrow." Once again - "I'm not paying you so stop."

The next morning, I walked to my car to go to work. The snow around my car is gone. But guess what's not gone... the South Philly Shovel Slayer! Yes! He was waiting there for me, asking for my money. So I get a little attitude with this guy. Rightfully so. Regardless, I want this guy to leave me alone so I throw him a few bucks anyway. He told me I can pay him the rest when I get home from work. Ha. I said whatever and drove off.

So all that was a month ago. Two Saturday mornings ago, I walked out of my apartment to my car to go somewhere. I noticed a guy with a hood over his head standing by my car. I think nothing of it but as I opened my car door, the man puts his hood down.

The South Philly Shovel Slayer is back! Buckle up, because Chapter II is sensational!

Here's a breakdown of the nice lil' conversation we shared at my car. Warning: some, I mean most, I mean all of this language is not intended for children. And by about line four of this chat, our voices are at max decibels.

SPSS: "Remember me? I shoveled your car out!"

Me: "Yeah, and I said stop shoveling because I'm not fucking pay you. So get the fuck out of here."

SPSS: "I want my fuckin' money right now."

Me: "I'm not paying you any fuckin' money because I told you to stop shoveling, and I still paid a few bucks anyway. So get the fuck out of here."

SPSS: "I should slash your tires right now. I'll send crackheads after you. Go ahead and call the police, cuz I don't care if I go to jail."

Me: "Don't fuck with me. Don't fuck with my car. I'm not fuckin' paying you. Go the fuck home."

SPSS: "Give me your fuckin' money right now."

Me: "What's your address? I'll stop by later and pay you." [with no intention of paying him]

SPSS: "Why do you want my address?"

Me: "I just fucking told you. I'll stop by to pay you."

SPSS: "955 4th St."

Me: "I'll see you later, now get the fuck out of here." [I get in my car and shut the door, he's still yelling at me through the window. I put down my window.]

Me: "Get the fuck away from my car and go fucking home."

The South Philly Shovel Slayer, who by the way was using a cane, finally walks away as I drive away. Where was his cane when he was conveniently shoveling snow? Funny. So as he walked down the sidewalk back to 955 4th St. I presume, he swung his cane out of anger above his head at an aluminum store sign. He missed. He swung again. Wiff. He swung again. BOOM! Nailed the sign, and the sound echoed throughout the streets. Innocent bystanders were all around, wondering what the hell was going on - probably assuming I bought drugs off of this guy. Yes, this story revolves around snow, but not that kind of snow. This is not a Charlie Sheen situation of any kind.

So off goes the Slayer. Later in the day, I saw a cop in my neighborhood and told him the whole story. Basically, all he had to say was, "You might as well pay the guy and he'll leave you alone."

Really, officer? I was threatened by a piece-of-shit scumbag and that's all you can muster. Awesome. Thanks for your help.

Later on that night, I went to my car (now parked in a different spot at this point) to go somewhere. But before I left for my car, I figured it couldn't hurt to bring a hammer with me. Yes, I chose a hammer as opposed to other weapons of choice such as my hockey stick. Might as well be prepared in case the SPSS is waiting at my car again. He wasn't. No need to use the hammer. Which was nice I guess. I wasn't in the mood for bloodshed.

So that's the end of Chapter II. Haven't seen the South Philly Shovel Slayer since that Saturday. Chapter III to be determined. Stay tuned. I hope I'm not in the news any time soon. I'd gladly pay the guy the rest of what I "owe" him if it would get him out of my life, but at the same time, there's no guarantee he'd leave me alone anyway. So I don't plan on giving in to this scumbag. I'd prefer to kick him in the face and snap his cane over my knee, Bo Jackson style.

In the meantime, pray for sunny skies. But as I just saw on the forecast, it's supposed to snow tonight. Awesome.

I hate IBM

2011-02-16T19:42:00.007-05:00

You've probably heard by now about IBM's computer named Watson. Watson challenged the two most successful Jeopardy! contestants ever, Ken Jennings and Brad Rutter, the past three nights. Watson won in a landslide. It's official. IBM is one of my least favorite companies. Ever.

Unless Trebek brings back the 'stachhe o knowledge, I don't think us humans stand a chance against Watson.

Everyone at IBM must've been rooting for Watson. In my book, that's like rooting for terrorism. Not only did Watson destroy the humans in Jeopardy! but it also was a cocky son of a bitch about it. For example, is there a need to cut off Trebek as he congratulates you after answering a clue correctly? Apparently so. Watson would just jump right into the next question, kind of like a "Stop talking, Alex. 19th Century Novelists for 2,000." On top of those shenanigans, the prick of a computer wagered values such as $2,197 and $6,345 on a Double Jeopardy! clue. Cool. Watson knows what a non-round number is. Impressive. He also wagered $947 on a Final Jeopardy! clue: "This U.S. city's largest airport is named after a World War II hero and its second after a World War II battle." Watson answered... Toronto. Ha! What a loser! (by the way, the answer is Chicago.) But Watson that sneaky bastard had the last laugh, because after losing his measly $947 wager, he still had a $25,000 lead over the closest human contestant.

I was literally screaming "F*ck you" at my TV tonight, every time Watson buzzed in before a human did. While Rutter seemed to accept the humans' destiny in this Jeopardy! battle, Jennings was visibly upset. It looked like he wanted to punch Watson's dumb avatar representation right in the face....screen. I'd be pissed if I was Jennings too. The guy wins 74 straight games back in '04 and now a frickin' computer is owning him. OWNING him.

So Watson dominated, annihilated, demolished, embarrassed and crushed the humans in a span of three nights.. Not cool. Computers are neat-o and what not but I'll root for my fellow humans any day of the week. And this Jeopardy! beat-down is not good news my friends. I don't care what IBM or any experts say.

Please join me in hating IBM and Watson. We need to recruit a large enough army while we can before a militia of Watsons tries to take over the world one day.

And Trebek. Please. Grow it back. Fear the 'stache, brotha.

Flawless

2011-02-16T13:32:00.002-05:00

If this isn't beauty, I don't know what is.

The Best of Bill Clement

2011-02-16T09:17:00.003-05:00

Everything that Flyers color analyst Bill Clement says is usually pure gold. Here's the latest, from last night's broadcast of the Flyers' 4-3 shootout victory over the Tampa Bay Lightning.

"Get out the sunscreen and put away the shovel. Yeeeeehaw!"

In reference to play-by-play announcer Jim Jackson talking about warm weather heading to Philly later this week.

The Great Bill Clement

Welcome to Philly, Kris Versteeg

2011-02-15T15:43:00.006-05:00

"I look at their depth, and it's like, 'Holy bleep!'" - Kris Versteeg, newly acquired Philadelphia Flyer.

I couldn't have said it better myself. Flyers GM Paul Holmgren wants the Cup this year, and this move proves it. Looking forward to Spring hockey.

Random thoughts

2011-02-14T21:48:00.002-05:00

I had a dream last night that I met Conan O'Brien in the Eagles' NovaCare Complex parking lot. He had Flyers magnets on his Porsche. Too bad it was only a dream.

Random sightings

2011-02-14T09:39:00.003-05:00

I saw this exit sign at a Cosi in Newtown, PA. I'm not sure I feel like a valued customer when they're rushing me out of the building.

Eat your food and get the f*ck out!

UNCANNY

2011-02-13T21:43:00.004-05:00

Until watching the Grammys tonight, I didn't realize Broncos quarterback Tim Tebow had a second job as a rock star with Mumford & Sons.

Get ripped in four weeks!

2011-02-10T10:33:00.001-05:00

Apparently, with this #1 muscle building secret, you'll say goodbye to your fat slobness and say hello to more ink on your arms in addition to getting ripped.

She's going places

2011-02-09T12:09:00.005-05:00

Modern Family fans - I just made an awesome discovery. Almost as noteworthy as Lewis & Clark stumbling upon the west. Sarah Hyland, pictured below, was in an Olive Garden commercial! And based on her appearance in it, it couldn't have been too long ago.

Eagles hire Johnnie Lynn

2011-02-08T15:09:00.011-05:00

The Philadelphia Eagles were busy today rounding out their coaching staff. The team named Johnnie Lynn secondary/cornerbacks coach. Lynn was hired due to his resemblance to Verne Troyer, who plays Mini-Me in the Austin Powers movies. Lynn is larger and tanner though. The front office is confident this move will boost ticket sales.

The Eagles also named David Culley senior offensive assistant/wide receivers, James Urban assistant offensive coordinator, Doug Pederson quarterbacks coach, Duce Staley special teams quality control coach, and Bobby April, Jr. defensive quality control coach.

Among some of the people who were not named to any of the 84,529 vacant positions with the Eagles were: me, Wendy's founder Dave Thomas, Mario Lemieux and Kenny G.

New Eagles secondary/cornerbacks coach Johnnie Lynn (left) enjoys second base.

Super Bowl bet gone wrong

2011-02-07T20:51:00.013-05:00

So I placed a few prop bets on the Super Bowl. One of them was "Who will the game MVP thank first?" I bet on the teammates. Aaron Rodgers thanked his defense, and the betting site (called Bodog) recorded this as a loss. So I chatted with a Bodog rep. to see why this was a loss. Check out the conversation.

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19:49:08 : System: Karen K. has joined this session!

19:49:08 : System: Hi, my name is Karen K. and I will be assisting you today. How may I help you? Please note: your reference number for this chat session is 142708.

19:50:05 : Steve: Hello

19:50:22 : Steve: I have a question about a bet I placed yesterday.

19:50:26 : Steve: Single #204481211 (Placed by Web)
Football - NFL Team Props (Prop) Moneyline
Super Bowl XLV Specials - Who will the Super Bowl MVP of the Game thank first?
Wager is on Interview done with the Super Bowl MVP on field during the Trophy Presentation only. If Co-MVP wager is on first to speak. Bodog's decision is final.
(7527) Teammates +125 Sun@6:31p

19:51:13 : Steve: I am 100% positive I should've gotten paid for this bet. Aaron Rodgers thanked his teammates in his speech before anyone else.

19:51:18 : Karen K.: May I have your account number or e-mail address please?

19:51:25 : Steve: 1135148

19:52:13 : Karen K.: Thank you.

19:52:37 : Steve: OK

19:52:43 : Karen K.: Can you please hold for a minute while I review your account?

19:52:47 : Steve: yes

19:54:28 : Karen K.: Thank you for holding.

19:54:33 : Steve: sure

19:54:48 : Karen K.: I still checking your wager with the department in charge.

19:54:56 : Steve: ok

19:54:58 : Karen K.: Can you hold for a couple more minutes?

19:55:02 : Steve: yes

20:00:33 : Karen K.: Thank you for holding.

20:00:49 : Steve: sure

20:01:13 : Karen K.: According to the Props department your wager was settled correctly as loss.

20:01:23 : Karen K.: Because he did not thank anyone.

20:01:40 : Steve: he thanked his defense. I will find a clip online if I have to.

20:03:18 : Steve: I will have a URL for you shortly

20:03:33 : Karen K.: According to the Props department he did not thanks anyone they got the information from our provider.

20:03:58 : Karen K.: In this case the wager will remind settled as a loss.

20:05:48 : Steve: Please view this video and go 4:25 in and kindly ask the props department to reevaluate the decision. I've been a Bodog customer for a long time and have never had an issue until now. Please consider reevaluating. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wu1Ny-HHn70

20:06:01 : Steve: He thanks his defense

20:06:06 : Steve: teammates

20:06:24 : Karen K.: Please hold for a moment.

20:09:04 : Karen K.: Thank you for holding.

20:09:39 : Karen K.: I doubled checked, however the decision is final.

20:10:04 : Karen K.: The wager will remind as a loss.

20:10:59 : Steve: Can you provide an explanation on how this is a loss when he clearly thanked his teammates? It doesn't make any sense. And I'm not targeting you - just kindly asking for an explanation please.

20:12:24 : Karen K.: He said that he got to give credit to his defense however he did not thanks his defense.

20:12:39 : Karen K.: The decision is final.

20:13:25 : Steve: Giving credit = thanking

20:13:27 : Steve: but OK

20:13:43 : Steve: that's the way the cookie crumbles sometimes

20:13:54 : Karen K.: Is there anything else I can do to assist you today?

20:14:31 : Steve: yes. can you look up any good pizza joints in Philadelphia, PA? I'm staaaarving.

20:14:51 : Steve: maybe just get me a couple phone numbers

20:15:15 : Steve: or call and order a large pepperoni pizza for me and just let me know where you ordered from so I can go get it

20:15:34 : Karen K.: Can I help you with anything related to Bodog ?

20:16:03 : Steve: Yes. who do you like in the Canucks game tonight?

20:16:54 : Karen K.: I am not a Hockey fan.

20:17:12 : Karen K.: Anything else?

20:17:14 : Steve: You will not BELIEVE what happened to me at work today. Stubbed my frickin' toe in the lunch room. I was walking around with one shoe on because I was nursing a hockey injury. Stubbed my toe, bled right through the sock.

20:17:18 : Steve: What sport do you like?

20:17:27 : Steve: What's your LOCK of the night?

20:19:26 : Karen K.: Mr. Heald if you do not have anymore inquiries in regards to your Bodog account I will have to end the conversation now, in order to assist other clients.

20:19:30 : Steve: Were you able to find any good pizza places in Philly? I also like the crust a little crispy so if you don't mind, just mention that when you call in the order. Large pep, extra crispy.

20:19:48 : Steve: Asking for your lock is Bodog related, correct?

20:20:10 : Steve: Directly relevant to my gambling via your fine betting portal.

20:21:14 : Steve: Other than the fact that Bodog Props department is a little out of their element, not ruling my teammates bet a WIN. Unbelievable. That's a real gear-grinder.

20:22:11 : Steve: What are you wearing? I'm rockin' mesh shorts and a t-shirt. Black boxers. Glasses. The contacts were bothering me today. Know what I'm sayin'?

20:23:39 : Karen K.: I am going to end the chat now, if you have any inquiry related to wagering feel free to contact us.

20:23:42 : Steve: Do you like the name Karen? I'm a huge fan. 83% of the Karens I know are sexy. I'm sure you fit right into that sexy majority. Am I right?

20:23:49 : Karen K.: Thank you for choosing Bodog. Please remember that we are available 24 hours a day and a friendly representative will be willing to assist you. You may contact us via our Live Chat Feature, email or toll free by calling 1-888-263-0000.

20:23:52 : Steve: Well this has been real.

20:23:52 : System: Karen K. has left this session!

20:23:53 : System: The session has ended!

That's Aaron saying, "Hey, Steve! I'm about to screw you over on your bet! Why thank my D when I can just GIVE THEM CREDIT?! Hahahaha, suckerrrrr!"

Unnecessarily vulgar Chinese fortune

2011-02-07T10:02:00.002-05:00

Integrity is doing the right thing, even if nobody is f*cking watching.

Random thoughts

2011-02-05T16:20:00.001-05:00

I love having a lonesome sock when you take your clothes out of the dryer. LOVE IT. Let me know if you have it.

Eagles' D NOT trying to worsen in upcoming season

2011-02-02T16:10:00.004-05:00

The Eagles are a lock to be in the Philly-area newspapers until their search for a defensive coordinator ends. But I was hoping the captions along with the articles would be a little more enlightening than this.

Are you sure about that?

Bloody Ice

2011-01-31T17:04:00.005-05:00

Click image to read story.

I don't know where to begin with this one but I guess I'll try.

A) What a lead-in sentence. "...sprayed the rink with blood..." Love that visual.
2) His partner's name is Katie Stainsby. How appropriate.
D) "I'm going to be alright, I race dirt bikes..." - Vanilla Ice. I get what you're trying to say but really, it's not that relevant. Might as well have said, "I'm going to be alright, I enjoy pizza."
5) The "Related articles" section at the bottom is priceless.

Simply awesome. I know late-night hosts are gonna have a field day with this one. Get better, Robert Van Winkle. You have some dirt bikes to ride.

Thirsty

2011-01-31T14:54:00.005-05:00

I just realized I have four drinks at my desk - five if you count the orange if I were to make fresh OJ. Water, two iced teas and a Coke. Always be prepared. I don't know what that means in this instance.

WYR

2011-01-27T14:26:00.003-05:00

Would you rather...

Listen to a running dryer full of coins for three consecutive hours

be blind for three consecutive hours

Get your umbrella?

2011-01-25T15:02:00.007-05:00

This is from a forecast for the Philadelphia area...

"Some of the details remain elusive, but it appears that tomorrow night is going to be one of the wilder nights of a wild winter, with even "thundersnow" possible."

THUNDERSNOW?! Most badass term ever used in a weather forecast? To the best of my knowledge, it is. Even if I brainstormed for awhile, I don't think I could make up weather terms as badass as that except for maybe fire-sleet or power-hail. I'm excited to see what tomorrow night brings. Might have to wear an umbrellmet.

Thundersnow is on its way! Believe it!

I think it would be fitting if AC/DC's Brian Johnson gave the weather report of THUNDERSNOW on all Philly channels on Wednesday.

Must've been a horrible article

2011-01-23T17:28:00.004-05:00

Found this newspaper at my mom's house. Isn't there an easier to way to make sure you don't read an article? For example, throw it away?

Chef Sven

2011-01-20T15:31:00.003-05:00

I made pasta salad last night for a dinner I'm going to tonight. However, I'd like to spice it up a notch. Thinking of adding some Pop Rocks. Boomshakalaka.

Gym sightings

2011-01-18T13:54:00.003-05:00

I saw a guy at the gym wearing some very snazzy dress shoes and dress pants while lifting weights. I was confused. But his biceps are the size of the Liberty Bell, so I guess it's working out for him.

Going shopping.

Confessions

2011-01-17T11:08:00.001-05:00

If I had a dollar for every time I leave the oven on after taking out my food, I'd be able to afford a beachfront property in Miami with an endless supply of pizza ovens.

It's never too late... to celebrate 2008

2011-01-14T16:03:00.001-05:00

In case you haven't made plans yet for New Year's Eve 2008, Byblos has you covered. This is their home page as of 1/14/11.

Fruit and athletics

2011-01-12T22:55:00.002-05:00

Saw this in Acme grocery store. Buy this package of four apples and get a free soccer ball. First, I asked myself why. Then I asked myself, why not?

Intelligent work conversation

2011-01-06T10:00:00.002-05:00

Me: My gas door is frickin’ broken.

Renee: What happened?

Me: The cable that connects the lever to the door must have broken somehow, so I have to get it fixed. So for now, it's just permanently slightly open. Wait, that makes no sense: "for now....permanently". So I guess, it's "for now, temporarily open". But it's only open until I get it fixed. So it's permanently temporarily open.

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Huh?