Notes from Texas

Hey, Sven readers. It's been awhile. I could get into the reasons why I haven't been posting lately, but that would take months to do and it would also result in me turning into a compulsive liar. So let's just put the past behind us and focus on the present and future. And right now, the present includes a short visit to the state of Texas.

I'm going to jot down a few notes about my visit here in San Antonio - like right now! I'm coming to you LIVE from San Antonio! Crazy, I know.


First and foremost, you MUST be aware of a little back story. That can be done by simply visiting a Facebook post I made back in August which I've conveniently linked here for you.


Take a minute to read the post and the comments below it. Once you do that, you'll realize why my one and only mission while here in Texas is to FIND DEAD CATTLE.


I will be sure to update all of you on my search for cow carcasses and other miscellaneous rotting meat, but for now, here's a brief summary of the trip.


DAY 1:


I flew from Philadelphia to San Antonio with a quick changeover in Minneapolis. No crazy stories to report which I guess is a good thing, concerning me being thousands of feet in the air with a bunch of odd-looking and potentially dangerously strangers. 


Actually, I sat next to a nice guy named Alfonso on the way from Minneapolis to San Antonio. Alfonso has 13 kids ranging in age from 11-33. He had his first kid when he was 12 years old. 12 years old. Not a typo. 12 years old. He's so close in age to his first kid that he would be able to say, "What up, bro?" and it wouldn't be weird. Well done, Alfonso. Fortunately the 13 kids weren't on the flight too.


Alfonso and I parted ways at the terminal in the San Antonio airport. Soon after, Alycia picked me up and we headed to Chacho's. Chacho's is... what's the word I'm looking for... AMAZING. Open 24 hours a day, because if it wasn't, there could very well be a riot. Not only do they have incredible tacos and Jack & Coke margaritas, but they also have awesome but incredibly cheesy but awesome live music. I felt like I was in an episode of "Eastbound & Down", like when Kenny Powers is grooving to an Español version of Bob Seger's "Night Moves." And Hispanic families come out in full force for some dancing and eats. As Cassidy pointed out, when a Hispanic family goes out to eat, it's just Mom, Dad and a brother or sister or two. It's EVERYONE. At one point on the dance floor, there was a girl no older than 10, a couple Grandmas wearing leopard print, some middle-aged women - doesn't matter where you fall in the family tree - you better get your ass up and dance. 


After devouring a puffy beef taco, a crispy grilled chicken taco, some loaded nachos, a Shiner Bock and a couple Jack & Coke margaritas, I realized the dance floor was calling my name. I preyed on Grandma #1 who was sporting the leopard print as previously mentioned. After twirling around Grandma for a song, a 45ish-year-old lady named Rebecca dragged me away from Grandma as she was getting jealous I wasn't letting her experience my insanely good white-boy dance moves. Rebecca was a very nice lady and also a very repetitive person when drunk. She informed me no less than five times about how she was recently divorced, and also mentioned about eight times that she has to split her Cowboys season tickets with her ex. I let her know that I was recently divorced too (this is false, FYI). Rebecca asks why - I replied with "She was a real bitch." I think Rebecca fell in love at this point, but Alycia, Cassidy and I deciced to get going to another bar. But not before Rebecca fumbled for her phone in her purse for at least a minute and a half. Her friend eventually had to take over and find the phone and take my number down at Rebecca's request. I'm still waiting for her to confess her love to me via text. 


Onto the next bar - Vegas Bar. Where apparently it's common for people to casually make out next to the pool table and on couches while others nearby have conversations and enjoy $2 Heinekens. $2 HEINEKENS! Seriously! After a few of those, we called it a night and headed back home.


DAY 2:


Holy hell, what did I eat last night? My stomach feels like a there's a Mexican midget running laps inside my intestines. I eventually got out of bed and ran some work errands with Alycia then we headed to Bill Miller's BBQ for lunch. I've been in  Texas for 18 hours and I've already consumed 4,543,754,258,053,785 calories. And that's why I'm heading to the gym in a few minutes while Alycia and Cassidy slave away at the office. Headed to the Spurs preseason game tonight - gotta get in some kind of shape in case Coach Popovic calls me in off the bench.


Day 2, continued.


Before we headed to the Spurs preseason game, Alycia and I stopped for dinner - Mexican of course. Tack on another few million calories to the count.


After dinner, we arrive at AT&T Center to see the Spurs win in a thriller, 97-95 over the Rockets. I asked numerous Spurs employees where "Dave" is - all responded with "Who?" I respond with, "The Admiral." I was unable to meet David Robinson like I had planned on doing but life goes on.


Day 2 ends with a relaxing night of watching Moonshiners on Discovery Channel. If you don't watch that show, start watching. 


DAY 3:


Good to hear the crying cat outside my window is still weeping like he/she did all last night. Dude, the Spurs won. Shut the hell up.


Day 3 to be continued...


We walked out of the game and it was pouring rain - this is when Alycia informs me "it never rains here." Oh yeah? There's a frickin' monsoon out here, and it started before we went into the game. This same b.s. happened when I visited San Diego last December, where apparently it's always sunny and beautiful. WRONG.